Countryfile: 2. Lawn wars

Now that I’ve moved to the country and I have a garden larger than a London telephone box I have fully embraced the neighbourly battle of best lawn in show. The saying “the grass is always greener” has taken on a whole new meaning to me.

I took my lawnmower research just about as serious as I’ve taken anything over the past 10 years.  Ask me anything about lawnmowers. The Bosch Rotak electric mowers? Sure, a sexy brand, but a bitch to assemble! The Einhell GC-PM 46 S Self Propelled Petrol Lawnmower? Yeah it sounds good, but unless you want to send it back because the collection box keeps dropping off you’re going to want to steer clear of it.

My neighbour, who's a GP, has clearly taken his medical background and applied it to his lawn. It is immaculate. Not a disease (weed) in sight. A lovely, fluffy, healthy green strip of grass. The bastard. I'm convinced he trims the edges with toenail clippers in the dead of the night when no one can see him and make fun of him. I'm also not sure why he's so desperate for such a perfect lawn. He's about 80 years old and doesn't even use it for anything! That's like keeping a super expensive race bike in the garage, all oiled up and clean but never actually riding it. I on the other hand want a flawless evergreen lawn so I can practice my chipping and lag putting.

So my mission is to create the most perfect piece of grass ever seen but mainly just to annoy my neighbour. I have already sent an email to the green keeper of the Masters for some useful tips.